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Archive for the ‘Chag sameach’ Category

The Two-Minute Haggadah
A Passover service for the impatient.
By Michael Rubiner

Opening prayers:
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview:
Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we’re free. That’s why we’re doing this.

Four questions:
1. What’s up with the matzoh?
2. What’s the deal with horseradish?
3. What’s with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What’s this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It’s called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story:
Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child-explain Passover.
Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
Silent child-explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child-browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children:
We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover:
It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren’t so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues:
Blood, Frogs, Lice-you name it.

The singing of “Dayenu”:
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would’ve been enough.
If he’d punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, if would’ve been enough.
If he’d parted the Red Sea-(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.

Watch the Habs punish the Bruins on Tuesday night.

(Via e-mail forward from relatives).

Check out the top 100 April Fool’s hoaxes of all time, as judged by the Museum of Hoaxes.

Especially in Montreal, where – irony of ironies – St. Paddy’s Day is such a beloved holiday precisely because it’s so inclusive and apolitical.

Yeah, you can laugh now. But it’s true. Unlike other parades, which devolve into red-versus-blue colour wars, the green of Saint Patrick’s Day includes everyone – young, old, French, English, white, black, and heck, even Irish Protestant Orange. Two hundred and fifty thousand people turned out yesterday to brave the not-so-cold and celebrate, wearing green hats, dingly-boppers, shamrocks and more than a little alcohol. After all, who can’t agree on a holiday where everyone gets together to drink beer?

It’s nice to be reminded that I live in one of the greatest cities on earth. Happy Saint Patrick’s Day, everyone!

Happy New Year – see you all in 2007!

To my Christian readers who are celebrating tonight and tomorrow, hope it’s a good one!

A decade later, hundreds are still celebrating the Seinfeld-coined holiday, complete with metal poles.

Chag sameach… enjoy the latkes, and hope the heartburn isn’t too bad!

Since this story about a Chabad Rabbi who threatened to sue the Seattle-Tacoma airport unless they took down their Christmas trees has been getting so much media attention, I figure I’d better weigh in with my two cents.

My opinion? Quite simply, Rabbi Elazar Bogomilsky is a first-degree horse’s ass. Why?

• Displaying a Christmas tree is harmless. It’s not forcing anyone’s faith on anyone else. It’s merely displaying it. It’s no more a threat to me as a Jew than a display of a menorah would be to a Christian. And if Rabbi Bogomilsky is so threatened by a friggin’ tree, then perhaps he ought to re-examine his personal faith rather than rallying against the world.
• I’ve always been uncomfortable with Chabad’s campaign to display menorahs everywhere at Chanukah. To me, it’s propagating the myth that Chanukah and Christmas are somehow related, or in competition, or have something to do with one another. Chanukah, as Rabbi Bogomilsky ought to know full well, is not a major religious holiday, and the fact that we’ve allowed it to become part of the generic “holiday season” and a symbol of gift-giving, commercialism and one-half of the semi-merged “Christmakah” is bad enough. This is worse.
• It’s not a competition. It shouldn’t be a competition. This isn’t about “my symbol is bigger than your symbol”. If people are proud of something, they should be allowed to express that pride without some other group feeling the need for one-upmanship. Judaism shouldn’t be about one-upmanship at all.
• Rabbi Bogomilsky is claiming to speak for all Jews with this stunt, which I personally resent an awful lot. Who voted him spokesperson of North American Jewry, anyway?
• I like Christmas trees, okay? I think they’re pretty. I think the lights and decorations are pretty. I enjoy looking at them. I know it’s not my holiday, and I’m not going to run out and get a tree for my living room or anything… but why shouldn’t I be allowed to get enjoyment out of someone else’s holiday?

Bottom line? I’m glad the trees are back, and I hope everyone learns to chill out and enjoy whatever holiday or holidays they choose to celebrate.

For more on the subject, see last year’s rant about the whole “Happy Holidays” / “Merry Christmas” debate.

Have an easy fast, y’all.

Best wishes to all for a happy and healthy new year.