Segacs's World I Know

Posts Tagged ‘onion’

The Onion headline, Dec 7 2005: Rest of U2 perfectly fine with Africans starving:

Rock band U2, currently on tour in North America, is well-known for its human-rights advocacy, particularly its ongoing campaign to eradicate poverty in Africa. Less known to fans of the Irish supergroup, however, is that the lion’s share of these efforts are made by lead singer Bono. The three other U2 members are perfectly okay with the dismal plight of Africa’s poor.

AP Entertainment headline, Jan 1 2006: Campaign irks Bono’s bandmates:

Rock star Bono said yesterday that his commitment to campaigning against poverty caused tensions within U2.

The musician said that at one point he feared his commitment to the anti-poverty cause might force him out of the band.

“They are hugely supportive spiritually and financially of the work I do, but they are in a rock ‘n’ roll band, and the first job of a rock ‘n’ roll band is not to be dull,” Bono told British Broadcasting Corp. radio.

“So we have to be very careful about just letting me go too far.”

The line between news and parody has perhaps never been fuzzier.

There’s nothing better than satire done right. This week’s headline: Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court:

WASHINGTON, DC — In a press conference Monday, President Bush named a 72-day-old gestating fetus as his nominee to fill the Supreme Court seat that opened following the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist.

“Already, this experienced and capable embryo has demonstrated during his or her in utero existence a deep commitment to the core principles of the Constitution,” Bush said. “It is with great pride that I nominate this unborn American patriot to the highest court in the land.”

If confirmed by Congress, the bean-sized vertebrate would be the nation’s first prenatal Supreme Court justice.

I bet if Bush could find a way to do it, he would.

Germany’s Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger is now Pope Benedict XVI.

I don’t really feel qualified to comment on the leadership of another religion. The media reports make him sound like a conservative hard-liner – but then again, he is the Pope.

However, I can’t imagine I’m the only Jewish person out there to be feeling a bit uncomfortable by the fact that Ratzinger was once a member of the Hitler Youth – even if it was compulsory… even though the Jerusalem Post spoke up in his defence.

Update: With such a serious topic as the election of a new Pope, we can always count on The Onion for some irreverent satire.

Bin Laden Accuses Bush of Deceiving Americans:

Osama bin Laden accused President Bush of deceiving the American people and said the Sept. 11 attacks would not have been so severe if the president had been alert.

This is too funny to not be an elaborate spoof. Especially since I still believe Bin Laden’s been dead for two years. Some lookalike probably wondered if Reuters would be fooled and report this verbatim.

In any case, I bet in next week’s Onion, we’ll see the logical comeback:

Bush Accuses Bin Laden of Attacking Americans.

Organizers fear terrorist attacks on upcoming Al-Quaeda convention

Fears of possible terrorist attacks have led organizers of the Sept. 27-30 al-Qaeda International Convention to take unprecedented security measures, sources reported Monday.

“There are concerns about a possible attack, and we are responding by heightening security,” al-Qaeda chairman and convention organizer Khalil al-Hamada said. “This year’s convention will see longer lines and more comprehensive searches, and prospective martyrs will have difficulty gaining a private audience with Ayman al-Zawahiri. But, as freedom-haters who have always stood for the disruption and overthrow of the West, we will not allow terror to blunt our resolve or dictate our message.”

This headline seems better suited to The Onion than to real news: North Korea likens Bush to Hitler:

North Korea has described US President George W Bush as an “imbecile” and a “tyrant that puts Hitler in the shade”.

A Foreign Ministry spokesman was responding to comments President Bush made last week in which he described the North’s Kim Jong-il as a “tyrant”.

This pretty much says it all, doesn’t it? Kim Jong-Il, the “Dear Leader” of gas chambers and concentration camps, who has killed and tortured countless members of his population and prompted comparisons to Auschwitz and outrage by Yad Vashem. The “Dear Leader” of child prisoners and sex slaves. The “Dear Leader” who prefers to starve his entire population rather than accept outside aid. The “Dear Leader” of nuclear weapons factories who refuses to even talk about disarming.

But no. In this upside-down world, Bush is clearly the person who merits comparison to Hitler. The “Dear Leader” must be just misunderstood. Or something.

This applies just as much to Canadian politics as to American:

Poll: Many Americans Still Unsure Whom To Vote Against

WASHINGTON, DC — According to Gallup Poll results released Monday, 6 percent of Americans are still undecided about whether to vote against President Bush or Democratic challenger John Kerry in November’s presidential election.

Gotta love the Onion.

63% of respondents to a Globe and Mail online poll think that Conan O’Brien shouldn’t apologize for his Triumph skit.

Good parody is never having to say you’re sorry.

I was flipping channels the other night, and heard a teaser promo on – I think – the CBC on a story about trans fats and the drive to legislate them out of existence that went something along the lines of “Why don’t we eat the way we should?”

Now, I’m not disputing the findings of all the experts who say that trans fats are bad for us, or are a health hazard even. But I am a little wary of attempts to ban unhealthy foods. Even if fat is “the new tobacco”, as the Heart and Stroke Association sensationally warns, well, heck, even tobacco’s legal.

Every day, we’re assaulted by shocking warnings about different kinds of food. One day, it’s watch out for the water – it’s polluted and will kill you. The next day, don’t touch that protein. The day after, protein is king (thanks Atkins) and it’s the carbs that’ll kill ya. Sugar is bad so sweeten artificially… no, artificial sweetener will cause cancer; use real sugar. It’s an eternal yoyo going by with such dizzying speed that nobody can possibly keep it all straight.

In the end, everything’ll kill you. But that’s ok cause life will kill you. Death is one of the only two certainties in life. You can eat only vegan all-natural vegetables your entire life and get hit by a car.

As long as they are eaten in moderation, most foods won’t do you grievous amounts of harm. So if I want to be bad and occasionally eat something that’s bad for me, that’s nobody’s business but my own. It’s certainly not the government’s. If these interest groups get their way, every guilty pleasure will be illegal, and all the causes of death will drop drastically… but when people realize what kind of dry existence they’re left with, suddenly the suicide rate will spiral out of control. After all, what is life if you can’t indulge in a slice of triple-chocolate mousse cake on occasion?

I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. But I have the occasional drink, I’m positively addicted to chocolate, and I don’t always eat my recommended daily intake of the four food groups every day. Even more shocking: Sometimes I read romance novels, watch cheesy movies, and I’ve even caught an episode or two of bad reality TV. And the guilty pleasure derived from doing each of those is the same as the guilty pleasure derived from eating greasy onion rings.

So to the NDP and their proposed bill outlawing trans fats, I say try being bad once in a while. Sometimes, it just feels good.

A few months ago, the blogosphere was abuzz with the Onion’s satire “Mom finds out about blog”. The ultimate embarrassing nightmare.

But this cool Mom not only knows about her 14-year-old daughter’s blog, she supports it fully… and in fact, considers her daughter better educated and informed thanks to blogging (via Imshin):

So even if she hadn’t received such an outpouring of support, I think Cecile’s regular stops in the blogosphere would have served as an antidote to what happened at school this past Friday. Certainly if a teacher implies a student is a racist idiot one day, and by the next some 200 smart and articulate adults have said she’s not and here’s why, that rather counteracts the original lesson plan. Now that so many teens have blogs, concerns about doctrinaire teachers may be passé. Our sons and our daughters are beyond their control.

I think she’s absolutely right. Kids are constantly warned about the dangers of the Internet and all the bad stuff that they can have access to. But what about the kids and teenagers who benefit from the Internet by having access to a multitude of viewpoints and perspectives on world events, political issues, and society? I happen to think that, all else being equal, the more access to information that students have, the better – at any age.

Now if only I could teach my mom how to program the VCR…