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Posts Tagged ‘passover’

The Two-Minute Haggadah
A Passover service for the impatient.
By Michael Rubiner

Opening prayers:
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview:
Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we’re free. That’s why we’re doing this.

Four questions:
1. What’s up with the matzoh?
2. What’s the deal with horseradish?
3. What’s with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What’s this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It’s called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story:
Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child-explain Passover.
Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
Silent child-explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child-browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children:
We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover:
It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren’t so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues:
Blood, Frogs, Lice-you name it.

The singing of “Dayenu”:
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would’ve been enough.
If he’d punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, if would’ve been enough.
If he’d parted the Red Sea-(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.

Watch the Habs punish the Bruins on Tuesday night.

(Via e-mail forward from relatives).

…with Tina Fey. Okay, maybe not. But here are some of the tidbits from the weekend.

It looks like there might not be an election after all, as the Conservatives’ polling numbers slip and Harper looks increasingly like a vengeful opportunist each day. The Conservatives are going to have to come up with a better argument than “we’re not the Liberals” if they want a turn in power. In the meantime, Martin’s gamble seems to be paying off, and his shaky government might get its life support extended a little longer.

More idiocy on parade as the annual workers’ event of May Day results in “clashes with police”. That’s the media’s non-judgmental way of saying that a bunch of idiots smashed things and then reacted violently to police who tried to get them under control. Oh yeah, and they really really don’t like Jean Charest. Just in case we didn’t know that already.

North Korea’s getting bolder as the Dear Leader of Death Camps slowly realizes that the rest of the world can’t or won’t do anything to stop them. Canada won’t sign onto the US’s missile defense plan, but Japan certainly sees the value in it.

Violence is on the rise again in Egypt, as suicide attacks on tourists by Islamist terrorists sent a chill through the region. This pretty much rules out any hope that last month’s attacks at Taba were isolated incidents. One thing we can pretty much count on: if Egypt’s tourism industry suffers, they’ll find a way to blame Israel somehow.

And last but certainly not least, Passover is over and I’m back to eating real food again. It’s great to have a meal that doesn’t taste like cardboard!

Whew, what a weekend! Three seders – yep, count ‘em, three. Dozens of relatives. More food than some small countries consume in a year. I’m exhausted, and all I had to do was show up. I honestly don’t know how my Mom manages to do all that cooking, planning and organizing and still have time left over to bake me a sponge cake. Thanks, Mom!

Meryl has some reflections on the joys and hassles of her seders. I agree with her on the cakes – much better this year – and also on the wine. I can’t stand that cream concord stuff either. It tastes like cough syrup. We drank it on the first night, and I could barely get through the first cup. The kosher Italian dry white that we had last night wasn’t half bad, though.

Imshin shares some seder musings as well, including thoughts about the massive quantities of food. If there’s one thing that Jewish people all over the world have in common, it’s that we all cook and eat way too much on holidays.

Now that the seders are over, we can all get back to our daily Passover lives: Eating leftovers and complaining about the food.

Yep, it’s that time of year again – complete with the crazy relatives, awful kosher wine, and savoury cardboard-tasting food.

In honour of the holiday, Jewlicious has a collection of really awful Passover groaners. And there’s some good news for a certain portion of the male population. Now if only they could figure out how to finally let us Ashkenazi Jews eat peanut butter…

Chag Sameach, everyone!

Meryl’s singing bread’s praises. I don’t blame her. There’s nothing quite like a hot-out-of-the-oven Montreal bagel to end the long bread-free nine days of Passover.

• What on earth is that William Hung kid doing performing on Jay Leno? Sheesh, he’s so bad it’s embarrassing! I’d feel bad for the poor kid… but he’s more successful than most real musicians in North America. For the next 15 minutes at least. I don’t watch American Idol or anything, but I’d venture to say he’s enjoying more fame and publicity than any of the finalists! From Beatles to Hung in less than fifty years. What is music coming to?

• Letters like this one are encouraging and nice to see. But they’re also easy. Too easy. It’s simple to act upset and shocked when assholes firebomb an elementary school. It’s harder to face down other forms of antisemitism that aren’t so obvious but are just as harmful. I’d like to see a flooding of support for the Jewish community when there’s a suicide attack in Israel. Instead, we get finger-pointing and Israel-bashing.

• Speaking of the UTT fire, Geoff has photos (via Celestial Blue). Disturbing to see the building that way. I can’t bring myself to drive by. Though the attack happened in the elementary school’s library, the high school is attached and so I spent 5 years of my life inside that building on a near-daily basis. I’m too used to remembering it as the place I dreaded seeing as we drove up every morning… and was happy to be let loose from every afternoon … only because it meant long days trapped inside boring classes. It meant a school that was falling apart, with leaky toilets and an ever-present smell of rotten fish. It meant all the things that are a normal part of high school. It never meant fear of being harmed or attacked. What will the building mean to the current students?

• Lynn has the latest about the Mel Gibson movie, and its convenient messages in the Arab world. Here’s a hint: It’s not a hit in Muslim countries because of Monica Belluci’s breasts.

• Michele has done a lot to restore my faith in the education system. It seems that there are actually teachers out there who encourage kids to think for themselves and debate!

• In the meantime, I’ve concluded that Passover must be sponsored by the gyms and fitness centres. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt in such need of exercise.

Finally, let’s just pause for a moment and appreciate the wonderful thing that is a LONG WEEKEND!!!

Well, firstly, it was #1 topic of conversation at tonight’s seder. Considering a large portion of my attending family went to either the grade school or the high school sometime in their lives, it was certainly on the list of topics to discuss. As I’m sure it was at a lot of people’s seders.

Really, if you think about it, whatever sick freaks did this didn’t time it very well. Not only is the school is closed for Passover anyway, but there’s gonna be a lot of angry Jews discussing it at their seders and demanding action.

In the blogosphere, I see that LGF and Burnside have picked up the story. And Stefan Sharkansky wonders whether officials are too politically-correct to release information that would seem to implicate Palestinian-sympathetic vandals as the responsible parties:

The CBC and the Toronto Star might not want to confront the unpleasant truth about the motives and identities of the arsonists, but at least some Canadian journalists are doing their jobs:

The CTV network quoted sources who said the notes denounced recent attacks against Palestinians, including the killing of Sheik Ahmed Yassin, leader of the Islamic Hamas movement, and threatened further attacks.

The contents of the note and the name of the “unknown organization” that signed the note should be released.

If – and this is a big if – what CTV said is true about the content of the note, then it must – and will – be dealt with. Especially considering the note threatened future attacks, which is truly chilling:

“Our goal was only to sound the alarm without causing deaths. . .but this is just a beginning. If your crimes continue in the Middle East, our attacks will continue,” the letter reads.

There’s no telling whether the assholes who did this were using it as an excuse or cover-up, or whether they really are affiliated with some Hamas-sympathetic group. Not yet anyway. My sense is that the police will release details when they see fit, and until then, they might be keeping them under wraps to help them do their jobs. And anything that increases the chances of apprehending the responsible parties is okay with me.

And the political reactions continue. Here’s PM Paul Martin:

“This is not my Canada. This is not our Canada,” he told reporters in Burlington, Ont.

“They are attacking all of us. And it is only if we are unequivocal in that statement that we join together that we are preserving our values.”

And of course, Justice Minister Irwin Cotler (a UTT grad himself) wasted no time ringing in:

“As students, we experienced anti-Semitism, but it was an anti-Semitism of ignorance, of stereotype, of prejudice. What we have witnessed here today, it’s anti-Semitism of hatred, racism and violence.”

“We will not be intimidated and we will act and we will bring the full force of the law to bear against those who commit these cowardly hate crimes,” Cotler told reporters.

And Mayor Gerald Tremblay:

“These acts will not be tolerated in our city and must be denounced as emphatically as possible,” he said.

It’s good that people are taking this seriously.

Never once in eleven years of Hebrew school did I feel unsafe in my classroom (except for maybe the fear of exams, or a test tube exploding in a science lab). The current students, who are pretty much exactly like me, won’t have that luxury.

I’m just plain angry now. There should be a special section of hell reserved for anyone who targets or frightens innocent children.

Another update: It seems Michael Demmons has picked up the story. And Ted Belman at Israpundit posted about it, and included an e-mail from Lori Anders, who was a grade ahead of me in high school. The Globe and Mail, Gazette, and La Presse all have plastered the story prominently on their front pages. And the AP story is being picked up off the wires by publications as remote as the Kansas City Star.

Irony: One of the nicknames of Passover is “chag ha’aviv” – the holiday of spring. Yep. This snowstorm sure makes it look spring-like out there…

But, whether it looks like it or not, the eight days of eating cardboard are once again upon us. And you know that the reason most of us keep at least some degree of kashruth on Passover – even those of us who don’t bother with it the rest of the year – is so we can moan and groan and complain about how bad the matzah tastes.

Passover is different from a lot of other holidays because it doesn’t involve mere ritual or even belief, but action. From cleaning the house and changing over all the dishes, pots, and pans to cooking for two seders with twenty-plus people at each… anyone who wants to observe Passover has to roll up their sleeves and get their hands dirty, so to speak. It’s not about words, it’s about deeds.

Even for those of us who draw our lines a lot more liberally, Passover is something of a pain. Oh sure, Manichewitz makes out like a bandit, but the grocery bill alone at this time of year is enough to make most of us wonder why the addition of the UP symbol seems to double or triple the price of most items.

But despite all of the annoyances of Passover, there’s something about it that makes it seem, well, to borrow a well-worn cliché, different from all other nights. Coming together to recount history and observe tradition, and – perhaps most importantly of all in these times – celebrate freedom. And there’s a moment when the entire family gathers at the seder table and – in between my uncle’s snoring and my little cousin’s attempt to mash all food items into the carpet – I realize that this is what it’s all about. Cardboard and all.

Chag Sameach.

Too . . . much . . . food . . .

It’s about that time again . . .

Allow me to take this opportunity to wish a Happy Passover to all of you out there celebrating tonight, tomorrow night, and this week.

I hope everyone has a nice, crazy, family-filled seder. Enjoy your cardboard – er – matzah. And go easy on that Manichewitz wine. The stuff is awful, I’m telling you! Tastes like syrup! (Update: Wendy agrees with me).