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The Two-Minute Haggadah
A Passover service for the impatient.
By Michael Rubiner

Opening prayers:
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we’re free. That’s why we’re doing this.

Four questions:
1. What’s up with the matzoh?
2. What’s the deal with horseradish?
3. What’s with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What’s this whole slouching at the table business?

1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It’s called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story:
Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child-explain Passover.
Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
Silent child-explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child-browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children:
We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover:
It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren’t so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues:
Blood, Frogs, Lice-you name it.

The singing of “Dayenu”:
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would’ve been enough.
If he’d punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, if would’ve been enough.
If he’d parted the Red Sea-(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.


Watch the Habs punish the Bruins on Tuesday night.

(Via e-mail forward from relatives).


Weekend Update


…with Tina Fey. Okay, maybe not. But here are some of the tidbits from the weekend.

It looks like there might not be an election after all, as the Conservatives’ polling numbers slip and Harper looks increasingly like a vengeful opportunist each day. The Conservatives are going to have to come up with a better argument than “we’re not the Liberals” if they want a turn in power. In the meantime, Martin’s gamble seems to be paying off, and his shaky government might get its life support extended a little longer.

More idiocy on parade as the annual workers’ event of May Day results in “clashes with police”. That’s the media’s non-judgmental way of saying that a bunch of idiots smashed things and then reacted violently to police who tried to get them under control. Oh yeah, and they really really don’t like Jean Charest. Just in case we didn’t know that already.

North Korea’s getting bolder as the Dear Leader of Death Camps slowly realizes that the rest of the world can’t or won’t do anything to stop them. Canada won’t sign onto the US’s missile defense plan, but Japan certainly sees the value in it.

Violence is on the rise again in Egypt, as suicide attacks on tourists by Islamist terrorists sent a chill through the region. This pretty much rules out any hope that last month’s attacks at Taba were isolated incidents. One thing we can pretty much count on: if Egypt’s tourism industry suffers, they’ll find a way to blame Israel somehow.

And last but certainly not least, Passover is over and I’m back to eating real food again. It’s great to have a meal that doesn’t taste like cardboard!


All sedered out


Whew, what a weekend! Three seders – yep, count ’em, three. Dozens of relatives. More food than some small countries consume in a year. I’m exhausted, and all I had to do was show up. I honestly don’t know how my Mom manages to do all that cooking, planning and organizing and still have time […]

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Happy Passover (almost)


Yep, it’s that time of year again – complete with the crazy relatives, awful kosher wine, and savoury cardboard-tasting food. In honour of the holiday, Jewlicious has a collection of really awful Passover groaners. And there’s some good news for a certain portion of the male population. Now if only they could figure out how […]

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Mmmm, bread


Meryl’s singing bread’s praises. I don’t blame her. There’s nothing quite like a hot-out-of-the-oven Montreal bagel to end the long bread-free nine days of Passover.

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Random musings


What on earth is that William Hung kid doing performing on Jay Leno? Sheesh, he’s so bad it’s embarrassing! I’d feel bad for the poor kid… but he’s more successful than most real musicians in North America. For the next 15 minutes at least. I don’t watch American Idol or anything, but I’d venture to […]

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Update on the UTT arson


Well, firstly, it was #1 topic of conversation at tonight’s seder. Considering a large portion of my attending family went to either the grade school or the high school sometime in their lives, it was certainly on the list of topics to discuss. As I’m sure it was at a lot of people’s seders. Really, […]

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Happy Passover!


Irony: One of the nicknames of Passover is “chag ha’aviv” – the holiday of spring. Yep. This snowstorm sure makes it look spring-like out there… But, whether it looks like it or not, the eight days of eating cardboard are once again upon us. And you know that the reason most of us keep at […]

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Seder woes


Too . . . much . . . food . . .

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Happy Passover


It’s about that time again . . . Allow me to take this opportunity to wish a Happy Passover to all of you out there celebrating tonight, tomorrow night, and this week. I hope everyone has a nice, crazy, family-filled seder. Enjoy your cardboard – er – matzah. And go easy on that Manichewitz wine. […]

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